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Monday, November 24, 2008

Reality Check

After coming home from camping last Sunday morning I had a reality check. I am a denial person...I deal with things in life by pretending they aren't happening so I don't have to deal with them. This works well most of the time but then when something happens that forces me to deal with reality I freak out. Sunday was a FREAK OUT day!!!

I know I'm pregnant. I realize that! However, I haven't been acting much like I'm pregnant at all. Almost 6 months pregnant and I drove to Atlanta then back then the next day, had a fever then drove to camp out and camped for 2 nights. It was just too much for me to handle.
While camping I started to notice that I'm different than everyone else...my butt hurt from sitting on the bench after like 30 minutes, I couldn't allow myself to get more sick so I had to avoid the rain and cold, I couldn't play football b/c I could get hurt, I felt grouchy even though I normally wouldn't be, etc. When we got home I had a total and complete meltdown.

I'm talking bawling all afternoon. I was physically and emotionally just worn thin. I was supposed to help with a shower at church and I couldn't make it. I couldn't even make it to night church that night. It's just so hard realizing that you aren't in any control.

Not only am I a denial type...I'm also a type-a personality who likes to be in control. Not having control over my body is very frustrating for me!!! Watching Zach be able to be 100% normal and himself throughout the weekend bothered me. Why am I the one who has to go through all this crap? And yeah I know the baby will change his life completely too but for a woman it doesn't just add to our lives it completely changes every area of our life!

I really regret not appreciating my body as much as I should have before getting pregnant. I wish I had more because no matter what happens it WON'T be the same!!! It also sank in that Zach and I won't be having the "us" time like we're so used to. I think for each of us it's not giving up the alone "me" time that will be difficult, it's the together time that will be hard. Because it won't be the two of us anymore!!!

I know all of these things should have sank in a lot sooner...but it took me awhile! It took me an entire afternoon of crying over and over, breaking 2 glasses in our kitchen, and pretty much feeling like crap about myself! In the end I talked to my mom for a long time and she helped me feel better. I know all of this is totally worth it. I know that. I can't wait to hold my baby and to be a mom but it's also such a HUGE HUGE change. The rest of my life I won't be Emily anymore, I'll be MOM.

Like she told me, this pregnancy is just the beginning of me not being able to control every area of my life. Once the baby gets here there is no way for everything to be planned out how I like it to be. I have to adjust to that and deal with it!

I woke up the next morning all puffy-eyed but I still drove the 5 1/2 hour drive to Alabama to stay in the Parker's condo with Zach while he worked for three nights. I know that sounds crazy after how gave out I was the day before but I made it fine and those two days were HEAVEN. I needed to just CHILL so I rented four movies, took 2 hour long baths, gave myself a facial each day, and enjoyed the chilly weather by taking several walks. It was so peaceful and relaxing to just sit around and not even get ready once!

While laying in the tub I decided that even though I can't go back in time and appreciate my body more, I can start enjoying it from now on! I need to take more baths! I need to do special things to make my skin nice. I'm getting older and those kinds of things are good for my body and also good for my spirit! So I know I won't be able to take hour long baths once the baby gets here, but I can always do little things to pamper myself and brighten my day just for me! I got this awesome new face wash that tingles and that moment right after I wash my face is just such a great feeling! Luckily Zach totally supports me doing things like face peels and such to keep my skin in good shape for the future and it's nice because it feels incredible but it's also good for you!

Zach and I had a really great talk during this whole mealt-down realization experience and both agree that our time is very important to us so we're starting Monday nights as our Date Night. We're hoping that we can make it a routine enough before the baby gets here that we'll be able to continue it once we become parents. Setting aside that time for each other no matter what is critical to our relationship and personal well-being!

Even though having that meltdown wasn't fun it was the reality check I needed to accept the fact that my life is going to completely change but that it will still be MY life and I can still decide how to live it!

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