I remember hearing adults say that childhood is precious because it's a time of innocence and joy before adulthood arrives and makes people jaded and hard. I feel like I've entered that adulthood age of realization that life is not all roses and rainbows. That pain is all around us. That the devil has ownership over so much of this world in which we live.
Right now I'm really struggling. I feel like everyday, everywhere I turn I keep hearing more heartbreaking news. My prayers are overflowing with families in need. It seems like every family I know has been struck with recent tragedy in some form or another - miscarriages, unborn babies with health scares, new babies with health problems, babies who almost die, babies who do die, mommies with scary health conditions, older children diagnosed with difficult health problems. The list goes on, and on, and on.
As a pregnant woman myself, I simply cannot handle it. I know that the devil is using these hard times to get to me. He's trying to make me afraid, and he's winning. I feel like tragedy is unavoidable. That everyone will have to face something terrible. I feel like I'm just a sitting duck...waiting for my turn at pain. I'm terrified. I fell asleep last night with tears in my eyes and fear in my heart. When will my bad thing strike? When will I join this sad, scary club of parents in pain? What is wrong with my unborn baby? Surely this baby can't be healthy and fine like Kye was.
I'm so nervous for my ultrasound next week. What will they find wrong??? Part of me almost says "BRING IT ON." If we're all meant to know tragedy then can I go ahead and get mine over with? Instead of living in a state of fear, let me face the tough stuff and get through it. Then wouldn't I have peace? I'd know my bad thing had come and gone?
I know that there is more good than bad in this world. I know there are more happy families than sad ones. I know there are more healthy pregnancies, unborn babies, newborns, children, and parents than there are hurt ones. I know that it's human nature to focus on the negative - to spread news of the "tough stuff" over the positive things in life. Right now all the bad is overshadowing any good I can see. I know I need to have faith. Trust that God will bring health, safety, peace to those families in need. Trust that He will watch over my own family and protect us. And if we do face such hurt, that He will guide us through.
Living in a state of constant fear and sadness isn't right. It's sinful. I'm to give those fears to God and focus on the things in life I can control. Do my best to keep my child safe. To protect those I love. To grow the healthiest baby I can inside of me. I'm just struggling with all of this right now...it's hard to be happy and hopeful when I'm surrounded by so much pain and hurt.
I know today I may be hearing more bad news, I know that two families I care about are having tests done today that could mean more sadness. I'm not going to stop worrying for them or praying for them, but today I need a favor from you...could you please help me see the GOOD? I'm blessed to have so many wonderful friends in this online world and I need that right now. I need to hear some positive things going on in your lives and some happy news. Something to help remind me that God conquers all and that maybe I'm not doomed to have something horrible happen.
It may seem silly to feel this way - I feel guilty that my faith and trust in the Lord can be tested like this. I don't like walking around with a dark cloud over my head and with a sick feeling in my stomach. I want to be positive, I want to be EXCITED about seeing my new baby for the first time instead of afraid, I want to enjoy my time with Kye not because I fear he could be gone tomorrow but simply just because he's fun and he makes me happy.
Please continue to pray for all of those families facing difficulties right now or still recovering from painful tragedy in the past...but also pray for the blessings in life. For the wonderful things we all do have and the times we want to cherish. I'm hoping I can pray such prayers as well and that I can get past this funk to see all the wonderful things God has in store for us all.