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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Break Down...

I am very far behind in blogging, I realize this. And I realize that half of what I want to vent about you blog readers don't even know yet because I'm living in today and you guys are still living in my one-month-ago-world. I feel overwhelmed right now and need to get it all out and don't have anyone to go to so I'm going to talk to you :)

Since June our lives have been pretty crazy. After the house fell through we were living in a home that didn't feel like ours with half of our stuff (well probably less than half) and all of it out of place. Now that "our" house is no longer ours the feeling hasn't changed (I still feel not at home but I've been feeling like that since June so I'm kinda used to that) but now all of the stuff we do have at the house is even MORE out of place. And I feel guilty that it's all even here to begin with b/c Mom should be able to put HER stuff away and have this feel like HER house ya know? I realize with all of this the importance of feeling at home. It's a feeling we all take for granted but when you don't have it you need it. When I have a bad day I don't feel like I have a place to go. I feel lost I guess. Plus let's not forget that I am in the house ALL day. Basically it's my place of work. It's a disaster zone and I can't stand it but how do I clean it when there is no where for things to go?

Now I already feel guilt and I've only written a paragraph. Really guilt is ALL I feel now. It's like the only emotion I have. I see the messy house and I feel guilt that it's not clean b/c that's my job. I feel frustrated that I don't know where my stuff is and that everything is all over the place and then I feel guilt b/c Mom's stuff is the same way and it shouldn't have to be. I feel out of place and like I don't have a comfortable place to call my own and then I feel guilt b/c Mom just moved to a new state and went from living alone to living with 3 other people and I'm sure she feels WAY more out of place than I do.

Other than guilt I also feel stress. SO so much stress. More stress than I ever imagined was possible. This whole let's-build-a-house-thing was Zach's idea and I guess I kinda figured he'd be handling mostly everything. And had it worked out the way it originally had worked out (when the house was sold in June) then I'm sure he would have been handling mostly everything...but the timing is now and that timing is also his busiest time of the year with work. He physically can't do it all. So I'm making a LOT more of the choices and decisions and calls than I had planned on. And that's stressful. All the house stuff it taking away from my available time with Kye and talk about guilt!!! I can't possibly keep up his schedule the way I know is best for him. The poor kid probably has completely forgotten about independent playtime. And learning time went out the window. I know in the long run this home we're building IS best for him. I know that, but it doesn't stop me from completely beating myself up over my lack of parenting. I haven't been as strict as I should be with him because of that guilt and he's throwing more fits and misbehaving more. Probably out of lack of discipline and lack of attention. Which are both my fault so that adds more guilt.

We're struggling so much financially (I LOVE the traveling but being in Jamaica AND the cruise only added to the stress b/c that was two weeks that Zach couldn't work and therefore made NO money). And Zach is the most stressed he's ever been in his life. He's hired on two people with Aflac (Mom and Robyn's husband Matt) and it's his first time ever recruiting anyone so naturally he wants to see them be successful...especially since he personally is invested in them both too. He wants them to make money but he's also got to make money for us and he keeps seeing the bills getting more and more with the new house and my birthday and Christmas and other costs and it's wearing for him. It's so much pressure for him to have to do well and I hate that. I feel guilty b/c he works SO hard then comes home and has to do stuff with the house. Has to make calls on his breaks for house stuff. I WANT to handle it all for him and I feel like I'm such a failure because he deserves to come home to a clean house with a happy wife and warm home-cooked meal but I can't even remember the last time that happened. 

I feel guilt for feeling all the things I feel. I feel like everyone has it worse than I do and I have no right to complain or to feel so overwhelmed. In the evenings I feel like I need to spend all my energy helping pump Mom up and making her feel better when she has a tough day or answering any Aflac questions she may have or try to help her the best I can. I want her to be happy and to be glad she's here and know she made the right choice. I know this is SO hard for her and I have ZERO right to feel stressed as I know she's got it a million times worse than I do. She's usually my go-to person when I need to vent but I can't vent to her b/c she needs to be focused on her own stuff she has going on and not worry about me ya know? And along with the venting thing I no longer have one of my very best friends. Our friendship is over and it's hard. I'm too busy to miss it most of the time but random times like these I'll miss the times where we had each other. I feel like I shouldn't be venting to other friends b/c Robyn has WAY more stress on her plate with her husband starting a new career and other friends can't really relate to what's happening and I feel SO stupid that I even need to vent at all. That any of it is even wearing me down b/c the bottom line is that it's all GOOD STUFF but it's just so much good stuff that I can't handle it...does that even halfway make sense? Plus Zach has it so much worse than me because he's overloaded with all the things on his own plate right now. I don't even feel like I can complain or vent to God right now. I mean He's POURING blessings down over me and what do I do? Complain? Are you kidding? That's not right at all and I feel so much guilt for not being more appreciative of His blessings.

Yes, I'm so blessed! A new house, all of these trips, Kye deciding to be potty trained so young, getting to live with Mom and not in that trailer, having such good friends, on and on and on. But all of those blessings are also stressful. I feel pulled in a thousand directions and like I'm just letting everyone down. I'm not being a good enough wife b/c the messy house, my bad attitude, lack of cooking, etc. I'm not being a good daughter b/c I'm not keeping her house clean, I'm not being there for her like I should be, I'm not pumping her up enough, I'm not thanking her enough for being here and giving us this opportunity. I'm not being even a halfway decent mother. Kye's eaten more hot dogs than should EVER be allowed, he's getting away with bad behavior, he's been allowed to watch disney movies when he shouldn't be, his toys are left out everywhere, we haven't gone on a walk in God knows how long, I barely spend any quality time with him because I'm ALWAYS on the phone with house stuff and now with the potty training stuff I feel like I'm not proud enough of him for it. I wish so much he hadn't wanted to make this move right now! I mean could it be worse timing?!? I feel like I'm a sucky wife, daughter, mother and especially friend. I am zero fun to be around and don't even have the energy to put into any friendships right now. I rarely see anyone and never call. I just KNOW that once this house is finished I won't have any friends left b/c I'll have neglected all those friendships to a point of no return. I've been so blessed with AWESOME friends yet I almost wish I didn't have any b/c all I feel like is that I'm letting them down too right now. I even feel like I'm letting my blog friends down b/c I don't comment or read your stuff or write people back who write me. I'm even letting MYSELF down. I want to feel good about myself and I've let the whole diet thing kinda go along with the walking and now I feel so gross and ugly. I am beyond do for getting my hair done. Most days I don't even shower. I hate it! Basically I feel like I'm letting down every single person in my life (including the Lord...I can't even touch on that one b/c I feel so guilty for not being the daughter He expects me to be to Him!). I feel like such a failure.

Back in high school I went to some counseling (long story short: a kid freshman year basically ruined me and I needed to be put back together again) and they told me I have very high anxiety. I wanted to handle it on my own and not be on meds or something so I learned not to overdo things. To say no and not let myself get my plate too full. I am the FIRST person to say that I always wanted to be an at-home-mom but I also have to be one. I would not survive with both working and having a family. I'd be a terrible wife, mother, and worker. I couldn't handle it. All of you would HATE the person I'd become if I even had to try! And that's okay. I think I (typically) handle everything in my life pretty well. I have a good balance. I stay busy but not overly busy and I set a good pace for myself. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed but I can usually keep it in check. I was balancing on a thiiiiiiin thread with everything going on right now. I was barely staying afloat and this potty training thing has sent me over the edge (I know I'm mixing metaphors whatever). It was the thing that officially made me a crazy person. It's so so so hard to CONSTANTLY be watching him and to take him to the potty over and over and over and over and cheer him on and get pumped over a little pee and not lose it when he has accidents again and again. I didn't want this at all right now. This was supposed to happen later...when life settled down. When I decided it would happen. But Kye decided and now that he's decided I feel like I HAVE to make sure he succeeds. Like my life depends on it. If he fails it's 100% my fault b/c I didn't give him enough attention and I didn't stay on top of the whole process.

Today I lost it. I spent my stinking birthday attached to my kid and the potty. I felt guilt accepting presents from Mom when she shouldn't be spending the money. I felt guilt letting Zach take me out to celebrate when he felt like garbage (yes, he's sick right now too). And now on top of everything else Zach's getting ready to be away like every weeknight for the next several weeks. That means I won't have him to lean on for support but I also won't have him for any of the house stuff OR to take over with Kye some in the evenings to give me a break. I'll be a 24/7 mom. I'm dreading it. I walked in the door this morning (from a meeting regarding a Stella & Dot party...yes somehow I'm also trying to still pursue that?!?!) and just broke down. Cried the most I've ever cried in front of Kye. I felt guilt letting him see my like that but I just couldn't help it. I needed to get it all out of me. We had plans to go out with Katie tonight for my birthday but I canceled. I called Zach and bawled and he said he'd do whatever I wanted. If I could have anything in the world right now I'd be moved in the new house with a clean and spotless room where everything is in its place and where I can go 100% by myself (as in like no one else even in the house at all) and just watch tv (have I mentioned that our dvr harddrive crashed and I lost ALL the shows I had taped?!?) and eat ice cream. For an entire 24 hour period and then maybe I'd feel better.

But that's not possible. And it won't be for a veerrrrry long time (even once we move in you KNOW it takes forever to unpack). So somehow I have to find some peace. I have to get through all this guilt and stress and just relax. I'm hoping that writing this will help...I guess we'll see.

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