I love meeting new people through the blog and I’ve recently started following Stephanie’s blog. She has been doing a series of poems that she calls “to poetry” where you write the poem directly to the thing you want to deal with. I think this is a great idea and seems like it’ll be very cleansing! My biggest issue to confront right now? My self-esteem (well actually the lack of it) so here goes my first attempt at “to poetry” and thanks Stephanie for the inspiration!
To My Self Esteem
Where did you go?
My whole life you kept me strong
I never thought I was perfect 10
But you helped me feel good enough to call myself a solid 7
You even made me feel beautiful at times
You allowed me to love having my picture taken
And to have a thousand “facebook profile pictures” to choose from
You gave me confidence in intimate settings making me feel sexy and desired
And made me feel like I looked my best when I was naked
When in public you brought a smile to my face when people would look at me
You made me think whistling construction workers were complimenting me
You allowed me to wear a bikini even when I was never a size 0
And unashamed of my “average” size chest
You even proud of my body: my thick thighs, barely there butt, and thick tummy
Now you are gone
Now I am thankful for a stupid “facebook celebrity look alike week”
So I don’t have to see myself on my profile
Now I don’t smile when I look in the mirror
Now I don’t feel sexy when intimate with my husband
Now I look down at my chest and feel embarrassed
Any sexiness I felt is gone
And I find it difficult to believe I ever possessed it
Now I am unsatisfied with every picture I see of myself
I pick out my faults instead of my assests
I look at photos of me as a mom in a bikini and feel embarrassed
What was I thinking?
How do I get you back?
I miss you so dearly and I want to be happy with who I am again
I want to feel pretty
Even just average would do
Will this just go away?
Someday will I wake up and have you back?
Until then I will keep trying
Keep fixing my hair
Plucking my eyebrows
Getting dressed in cute outfits
And smiling in pictures
I will not shy away from the camera or from others
I will keep on pretending that everything is fine
And that you are still with me
And hopefully someday you will be