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I’m about to enter my 8th month of pregnancy and my hormones are in over-drive. I feel much more emotional this time around than I did last time. I think all the unknowns of a first child make it less emotional because you simply have no clue what to expect. I’d heard about the amazing love mothers have for their babies but I had no clue how that would feel. I heard about how it changes your life but it’s hard to even fathom your life being changed when you haven’t met the person who will change it!
For the past two and a half years I have spent the majority of my time with my son. We are together pretty much all day, every day, all year long. I spend more one-on-one time with him than I do anyone else and probably more than I have with anyone else my whole life (other than when I was a baby and was with my mom 24/7!).
I was in the shower on Saturday and was thinking about Blitzen and delivery. Delivery day will be here soon and it’s, again, different thinking about since I’ve been through it once already. If things go just like they did last time (which I know isn’t likely, but it’s the only experience I have of labor so it’s the one I can visualize happening) I am nervous that I will go into labor with just Kye and I at home. And that he’ll see me in the pain and it’ll be scary for him. I started thinking about how difficult it will be when I leave him to go to the hospital. How when I welcome this new baby into the world, I’m also saying goodbye to the Kye and Mommy days. Our quality one-on-one time that we are both so used to and treasure so much.
I always knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom but I didn’t know I’d love it so much. (Emotional Emily is crying again when writing this!) I knew I’d love my babies, but I couldn’t even fathom just how much. I always said I wish I could give birth to a toddler and skip the baby stages, I’m not really a big baby fan and I’ve always enjoyed the age where they can communicate with you and are more “human” like. I never realized how many amazing memories I’d have during those baby days. And how wonderful it’d be to watch this little baby become so much more. And now that he’s in the toddler age, I DO love it but even more than I ever thought possible. My love for him only grows more and more with each day. With each sweet little kiss, each “I love you Mommy,” each passing moment.
My shower ended up lasting a lot longer than normal as I just stood there sobbing. Like, ugly sobbing. I even ended up going outside (shocker: Zach was working on the storage shed) and asking Zach to hold me while I cried more. I know that this change is going to be something wonderful. I am not worried that I won’t love Blitzen as much as I love Kye or that I won’t be able to spend quality time with them both or that Kye will be devastated about having to share me with a sibling. I’m excited to meet Blitzen and have our family grow and am excited for the changes that are to come here soon! But I’m also sad to see this phase in life come to an end.
I will never get to spend as much one-on-one time with another child the way I have with Kye. He and I will never get to share the bond we currently have. I will miss just being able to cuddle up in his bed all afternoon with no other worries in the world other than fixing his blanket for him and warding off his tickles or attempts to steal my nose. I’m so thankful that Zach and I agreed to spread our children out as I was able to enjoy so much time with just Kye. I’m thankful that we’ll wait again for baby #3 so I will get as much quality time as I can with Blitzen. This time together has been some of the most meaningful, wonderful, and fulfilling time of my life.
Even when change is inevitable, and even when it is a happy change, it is still sometimes difficult. I know that even if we weren’t having another baby that someday I’d have to say goodbye to this phase in life. But it’s been such an amazing phase and I’m simply sad to see it go. Kye, of course, doesn’t understand any of this and more than likely will never even remember a life before his sibling was alive. But I will. I will always cherish each and every second I got with my sweet boy. God has blessed me so much and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect, loving, adorable, precious first born.
When I first got pregnant with Blitzen I was only thinking about Kye’s preparation for the big changes. I wanted him to go to school so he’d get used to life without Mommy always in it. We spent less time going and doing because I wanted him to be used to life at the house since we’ll be here non-stop with a constantly napping baby. Now, I’m wanting to go and do as much fun stuff as we can together. I’m wanting to spend as much time with him as I possibly can. I don’t mind when Zach is gone traveling and I have mommy-duty 24/7 instead of just from 8-5 (then we share parenting duties!). I want to make as many memories from the Mommy and Kye days as possible before this era comes to a close.
I did not cry when I went into labor with Kye. I did not even cry when he was born. I didn’t cry at all until he was over 24 hours old and got circumcised (I know, random, but seeing that dried blood on him and knowing that we chose to have him have pain caused me to get mega emotional). This time I better stock up on some waterproof mascara and warn all of you that my delivery pictures will be even less glamorous (as if they were glamorous at all!) than before. I’m pretty sure from the minute my water breaks (or when I go into labor) until Blitzen’s probably 2 weeks old I’ll be crying. Crying because I have to leave Kye with someone while I go to the hospital, crying because the Mommy and Kye phase in life is changing over to the Mommy, Kye and Blitzen phase, crying because I am just so blessed, crying because my heart is going to be even more filled with love when I meet this new baby, crying because it’s a boy or a girl, crying because he or she is healthy…just a LOT of crying!!!
To make myself feel better, and stop crying, I went through all my pictures from Kye’s birth up until now and put together some of my favorites of just Kye and I. Seeing these helped me remember all our fun times together and helped me to know that I’ve given Kye the very best 2 1/2 years that I could possibly give. I’m proud of myself for the mother I am and that I will continue to be as I raise all of our children. All of these pictures are so special to me and these memories will always stay close to my heart!
first photo of just the two of us
our early days of learning each other
first beach trip
first time swimming in a pool
first 4th of July in St Augustine
days at the neighborhood playground
first Christmas tree
first Valentine’s Day
Brandon and Chrissy’s wedding ~ 1 year old!
Mother’s Day 2010
Father’s Day 2010
golf loving boy 😉
First FSU game
first ride at Wild Adventures
Mother’s Day 2011
more beach trips
St Augustine for July 4th
first day of school (first steps to letting go!!!)
Dear Lord: Thank you for blessing me with the gift of motherhood. For allowing me to take care of one of your precious children and to raise him up to honor and glorify you. I could not have asked for a more wonderful child and could never have expected the many ways this little person would bless my life. Please be with me in the weeks to come and help me to hold tight to this special time with Kye as my only child. Help me to prepare him for the changes ahead while still cherishing the alone time we have left together. Help me to focus on all of the exciting, wonderful, amazing changes that are to come instead of being concerned with the worries, stresses, or sadness some of those changes may bring. Help Blitzen to be a healthy, happy baby and for me to quickly and smoothly adjust to life as a mother of two and for Kye to adjust to his role as a big brother! Thank you for all the many blessings you have given to me and to my family and thank you for loving us so much! ~Amen