Growing up we lived in a nice subdivision, much like the one Zach and I live in now. We had a neighborhood playground, social gatherings, and block parties. My family was very involved in those activities. My mom stayed home (until I was 9) and she was very involved. All of her friends were our neighbors and their children were my friends. I loved growing up that way. I loved having those friendships. Playing outside together. Watching our moms huddled together in gossip. It’s what I know and it’s what I wanted someday when I became a parent.
Here we are. I’m living my dream! I have a wonderful husband and son and am able to be that stay-at-home mom I always wanted to be. We live in a beautiful home in a very nice subdivision. But where are the friends? Where are the social gatherings? Where are the huddle mom-talk times I invisioned?
Oh…there they are. Those moms over there are huddled up talking. I’m just standing watching my kid play while SEVEN other moms sit and talk and not ONE even says hello to me.
I had a rather intense headache last night and thought that some fresh air would help this morning. I also seriously need to get back to our daily walks!!! I finally get the motivation to walk (which anyone who has ever quit any time of exercise routine knows that it takes SO much effort to push yourself back into that habit) and Kye and I ventured the the playground. It’s the routine we had at the old house and it’s one I need to continue now that we’re getting settled in at the new one. We played by ourselves for awhile and it was wonderful. At least until they showed up.
This may sound totally conceited and snobby but I just do NOT get why these women don’t include me. I pass them ALL the time when walking. I see them ALL the time at the playground. Occasionally I’ll get a wave hello in passing but nothing more. The first time I met them all at the playground I acted like “typical Emily” and said hey and chatted ’em up. Asked about their kids. Where they live in the neighborhood etc. I’m used to being well liked by pretty much anyone who meets me. I think I have a decent personality and I have a cute kid who plays well with other children. These women were not very receptive. They were actually rather stand-offish and rude.
So today when they came trotting up I made a mental note to be patient. To not approach them. To not be “typical outgoing Emily.” To see if even one of the SEVEN women would approach me. One made eye contact for like less than 30 seconds and that’s the best I got. Really??? Last I checked we lived in the SOUTH and I thought we were all sweet and friendly???
I didn’t want to force Kye to leave just because I was miserable so I waited it out and still left at the same time I planned on leaving. I was holding back tears. It straight up sucks! I want to be involved. I want to have friends. My whole life I’ve been liked and have never felt this friendship rejection feeling before. It’s not fun. What’s even more heartbreaking for me is that Kye suffers. The “crew” brought their kids with them and there was only one girl in the bunch. All the boys were right around Kye’s age and he wanted to play with them so badly (not shocking they weren’t too friendly either…). I want Kye to have the neighborhood experience that I had growing up. All the kids to play with and the fun times together. I know he’s only two but is our outcast status going to stick???
As I was leaving (tears ready to flow) I ran into a friendly face! Kori stopped and talked to me and I couldn’t help myself. I immediately asked her if she’s friends with these people. I told her how mean they have been and how much it hurts me (I probably totally scared her away as a potential friend haha). She was super sweet (all the while she was most likely thinking I’m a nut case) and did make me feel a little better. She mentioned that sometimes you have to work to get in with people. As I was walking back home I kept thinking about that. Do I want to work to be in with that crew? Do I really want to continually put myself out there to continue to be rejected? I (obviously) don’t handle rejection well. I said it in my blog party entry, I like you if you like me. It’s that simple. If you don’t like me then why the heck would I like you??? And especially why would I try to get you to like me???
I called Zach and, thankfully, he answered and I cried the whole way home. It all sounds stupid. Childish. I know. I get that. But I’m a girl who thrives with other girl friendships. I love girl time. I love meeting new people. I love hanging out with people. And I especially loved my childhood and the way I grew up. What’s wrong with being disappointed that I don’t have that now? That I took all the right steps to have that same life but yet I can’t because I’m not in the “crew”? No one likes to feel stupid, lame, and unwanted and that’s how I feel right now. I’m embarrassed.
Honestly, right now I never want to show my face at that playground again. I want to hide out at the house and just stick to my friends and avoid them. However, I am me. I will get over this feeling and will most likely attempt to win them over. Make them see the coolness that they are missing out on by rejecting me haha. Dress cute each morning and head to the playground with my head held high. Bring some awesome toy that their kids can’t resist. Go right up and talk to them! Make them like me! Or…I may just not try with them and instead try to make new friends another way. Get involved in the community. Join some kind of group or something. Either way I simply refuse to go on feeling like a reject. Either I’ll somehow get them to like me (which would obviously not include having them read this blog now…) or I’ll find some other “crew” to join. A better, nicer one at that!
I know half of you are reading this and rolling your eyes. Silly Emily and her small life problems. I told you I’m embarrassed! But this is me and in this blog I promised myself to always be me. So here you go. I hate being rejected and I hate feeling unwanted and un-liked. Anyone want to comment and make me feel better for being so lame? 😉