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It was important to me to put some of my feelings in writing. I express my emotions best through writing. Mama E and I would have a great day together when I’d go to her appointments and then I’d send her a long text expressing how much the day meant to me etc. She seemed to be the same way and I knew my writing a letter to her would be more meaningful than trying to say to her all the things I wanted to say.
How can you possibly find the words to thank someone for giving life to your child? For making such an incredibly selfless sacrifice? For choosing you. Giving you their own blood. The baby they carried for 9 months. The one they conceived. They delivered. They love.
I struggled a lot with this. In the weeks leading up to Spear’s birth I sat at my computer and would start a letter only to end up highlighting the whole thing and deleting it. No words seemed fitting.
I knew the letter would have to wait. I’d need to write it in the moment. There was no way to know what feelings I’d have ahead of time. No way to prepare. No way to write about something that hadn’t yet taken place.
It was important to me to give Mama E this letter in person. And before she signed over her parental rights to Zach and I. I wanted to give it to her after his birth but before placement. During that wait. I wanted to make sure she knew that I was still in her corner. That’d I’d always be there for HER. No matter what she decided. No matter how things changed between us. No matter where our lives took us once we left that hospital.
As I sat in that hospital room I hand wrote this letter to the mother of my son. I am sharing it here because I want to be sure it’s included in my blog books in the future. It’s something that I think is important for him to always know. And for others to also know as well.
Many people think negatively of mothers who choose an adoption path for their children. I hope that our story and experience can change hearts and minds on this matter. I hope it can help educate people about the unconditional love these mamas have for their babies. I hope our journey may inspire others to walk a similar path. I think being transparent is so important and valuable, especially regarding a journey that isn’t talked about often enough.
Mama E (12/2/17):
When we began this journey I had no idea where it would lead us. I am so thankful our path led us to you. Thank you for choosing us. For seeing something in us that gave you the peace to say yes. Thank you for opening your heart to us. For being so open, so true to yourself and for being such an incredible mother.
I am simply in awe of you. Your wisdom. Your maturity. Your strength. Your determination. Your selfless, unconditional love. All of your babies are so blessed by you and Spear will always know how loved he is. Always.
I have truly loved our quality time together. I look forward to doctors visits and our chances to connect deeper and grub out 😉 I want you to know that I love you. Not just because you are Spear’s mother (although I love you a whole lot for that reason too!) but I love you for YOU. For who you are. You have been a blessing to me. And I am always, always here for you.
And I will always have your back.
I am so excited for this fresh start opportunity in your life and cannot wait to see God’s plans unfold.
I want you to know how honored and grateful we are for this opportunity to raise Spear. I promise you he will always feel loved and cherished. I promise you he will be raised knowing how loved he is by us, by you, and all of his siblings. I promise to give him all I can possibly give. I can’t promise the world, but I can promise as close as I can possibly come to it.
He is a true gift, given in the most beautifully heartbreaking, incredible way. We will never, ever take this gift for granted.
Thank you for completing our family and for allowing us to be part of yours. I am praying so hard for you. I know you will carry him in your heart always but I hope you are also able to heal and to feel secure in this “yes” with us. Our door is always open. You are part of our forever family and you are so loved.