Accepting The Foot Future

On Tuesday I had an appointment at the foot doctor. I realize it’s now Thursday and I haven’t yet blogged about the appointment. Well. I needed some time and perspective…if this post had been written on Tuesday it would have been a hot mess. Kinda like how I looked after I left the visit:

You know how some girls are “pretty criers”…well, yeah, I’m not one of them…

So anyway. The appointment. I didn’t expect much. If you remember I had my second shot of medicine in my foot a few weeks ago. You can read about that here! After my first shot I felt GOOD and thought “omg I’m HEALED!!!” and then the pain came back. So this time I didn’t get my hopes up. At all. I took WAY better care of my foot (and it worked out great that the shot fell at the same time I ended up on bed rest so I for sure took extra good care of it!) and babied it and just didn’t take any chances. 

And for awhile it felt good. And then the pain came back. As expected. 

So I went into the appointment without much hope. And I left the appointment with even less.

Usually when I go to the foot doctor I feel better. My doctor has a way with me (um…not sexually b/c it kinda sounds like I’m saying that haha) that helps me feel calm and like it’s all going to be okay. Usually he has a game plan. Usually he offers up a “let’s try this” scenario.

I sat down and he came in and gave me a look of hope and asked “how is it?” and I just said “ehhhh” and he said “dang!” He felt the area of issue (ball of my foot) and, yes, it hurt. The GOOD NEWS (and only good news I can offer up today about this whole mess) is that my big toe area does NOT really hurt anymore. It’s the area I had the FIRST shot injected into back in Feb. So maybe, maybe, maybe time makes the shot work?!?!

After feeling the area of pain he didn’t do his usual offering up of a new route to take with it. Instead he said that right now it’s good timing of rest for my foot. I will be resting more since I’m so close to having the baby and once the baby is born I’ll also be sitting a lot, etc which is all good for my foot. So that’s lovely. He said he wants me to come back after Labor Day and see how things are once I’m a little more active with it (I guess he’s assuming with a one month old I will be more active? haha). Basically it’s going to be another walk in, feel the pain, and leave visit. 

He didn’t say “when you come back we’ll try this…” he just simply said to come back and we’ll see how it is at that point. There was ZERO future game plan given. And those game plans always give me hope and give me something to hold onto with all of this. I always feel like I’m working towards some goal and on some path towards some solution. Instead this time I just felt helpless, hopeless and like the end is here with this journey.

He also used the term “always” a lot. I described my shoe routine to him, as usual. I feel the need to tell him what I do so he knows I’m taking it all seriously and that I take EXTREMELY good care of my foot! Here is a day in the life of my foot:

• Get up and put on thick soled flip flops to get ready
• Get dressed and put on tennis shoes
• Drive somewhere in the tennis shoes then change into my thick soled Crocs to wear to the place I’m at
• Change back into tennis shoes once in the car
• Remove tennis shoes if swimming and put on my special water shoes. If not swimming then I leave the tennis shoes on ALL DAY.
• Remove tennis shoes for shower. Put back on before leaving bathroom.
• Remove tennis shoes for bed. Put thick soled flip flops beside bed so when I wake in the night to go to the bathroom I can put them on. 

Yes. My day revolves around my foot.

And on days when I’m active, I hurt. Even with wearing the tennis shoes non-stop. 

So when I told him all of this he said “You are always going to need to find shoes that offer you cushion and support. You will always need to limit your time in “cute” shoes and you will always need to find something to put in those shoes if possible to give you more support.” All I really heard though was always, always, always. 

I got in the car and just bawled. Like ugly, ugly sobbed. I know things could be MUCH worse. A least I have a foot! At least I can walk! At least I’m living and breathing! I know that. I know all of that. But I also know that I’m 29 years old. I have super young kids. And I am facing chronic pain for always. Always. 

I am all about putting on a brave face and dealing with stuff. Especially things you can’t control. I sure as heck can’t control my foot situation. So why worry? Why waste time upset over it? Feeling like we’ve reached the point of no options remaining, I had to have a day of feeling sorry for myself. I had to get that out of my system and be able to accept it as my new normal. Yes, I’ve had this foot issue for what will be 2 years this October. But I have yet to say “this is it.” I have held onto a hope that it will heal. We will find a “cure” for the pain. It will be resolved.

But now I know that THIS IS IT. That, more than likely, I’m facing foot pain for the long haul. I have to accept that. I have to deal with it. I have to find a way to be okay about it. Because it’s not going to change!

The hardest thing for me is the fact that I have young kids and I can’t play with them in the way I want to be able to. Pre-foot we went on walks. Pre-foot I’d join in the races down the hallway. I hate that I can’t do those things. Or if I do them that I will hurt after. 

I called Mrs. Charlotte when I was upset. Well, first I called Zach. But men just aren’t all that wonderful with comforting, right? So I called her. And I asked her to help me with my attitude about all of this. She wakes up in pain every single morning. She hurts constantly yet she’s not bitter or angry or depressed. She doesn’t let her pain ruin her outlook on life or steal her joy. And I have to get to that same point with this. 

I did my ugly sobbing and she was so sweet to listen and try to offer up help. I think the best thing she said was that I may not be able to be the mom who takes walks to the playground. I may not be able to race down the hall. Or run at the beach. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m an amazing mom. I will be the mom who bakes cookies with my kids. The mom who does cute crafts. Who plans fun trips. Who is there cheering them on in whatever interests they may pursue. And nothing will come in the way of me being that mom! 

I’d love to say that after our talk I felt better, but that’d be a lie. I’m a late night cryer. It’s just how I am. I can be in the zone and get junk done and push my emotions aside, but then at night they take back over. So I was up for a long time and cried the hardest I can remember crying in a super, mega long time. And it was one of those cries that lead to crying about other things. And just wishing I could hug my mom. Sometimes that’s the comfort we all just need the most. The loving arms of our moms right? 

I woke up yesterday with a massive headache and huge puffy eyes. I felt like a zombie and just very numb. But today I’m better. I wouldn’t say I’m at complete acceptance about all of this. I still can’t think long term or I get upset. My plan for now is to make my own plan. My dr may not have one, but that doesn’t mean I can’t. So my plan is to continue to revolve my daily life around the foot. So I can know I’m giving it my 100% best care possible!  And then at the next appointment come ready with ideas. Ask him point blank where we go from here. I’m not ready to fully give up on it. I’m not wiling to just accept that this is it. So if he is out of ideas or options maybe I need to find another specialist. Maybe another avenue to try. I mean it’s 2014. There HAS to be a way to fix this right?!?! 

So, for now, the future may mean foot pain and ugly shoes. But I’m trying to just focus on the short-term and focus on the now. Right now I can rest it. I can wear the tennis shoes. I can give it time and prayers and just wait. It’s hard for me to even pray about it because I do feel so hopeless. But I have to have faith that everything is for God’s glory and that even in this situation there is goodness to be found. I’ll let you know when I find it 🙂 Until then if YOU have ANY suggestions I’d love to hear them 🙂