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Friday, July 26, 2013

Dear Mom,

I'm writing this as I have no other way to express to you the things I need to say. I do not know where you are living or any other means to contact you. All I can do is assume that you will happen to read this letter or that someone else will who will tell you to read it.

I know you were probably surprised to see us there yesterday at the courthouse. I'm sure B was as well. But I had to come. I had to physically witness you doing this. See you making decisions with the intent to hurt me and my family. Watch you lie. See you avoid my stare, unable to meet my eyes. Literally drive away from your first born. Your only daughter. The girl who you sang to every night promising I'd be your sunshine forever.

I will never forget the last time I heard you tell me you loved me. It was last October. After church. In our garage. We kissed and you said it. I didn't realize then that it would be the last time I'd feel your lips and hear those words from you. I realize now that they were meaningless words. And probably always were.

For me all of this isn't about the money. Although it's cost us a lot. It's not about my kids no longer having a grandmother, although I sure do wish they could have you. It's not about the times you hurt me. The names you called me. The horrible things you said behind my back. The way you maliciously plotted to have my own family think poorly of me. Your daughter. Who came from your womb. For me, the painful thing is the lack of love. The inability you have to truly love me unconditionally. I love my own children with my whole being and it's so hard to know that I don't have that love from my own mother. The person who should love me the most in this world.

Dealing with that fact and accepting it as truth has been torture for me. I have kept separating you into two people. The "mean mom" and the "nice mom." The mom I miss so badly it hurts and the one I hate so much it makes me scream. I can't live like that. I can't keep missing you. Longing to hear your voice. Seeking your comfort when I'm in pain. I have to accept reality and come to grips with the you that you truly are.

That's why I came yesterday. There was no other agenda than that. I just had to see you. And yes, the little girl in me longed just to race into your arms and hold you so tight. Throw all of my love toward you and pray that some of it would sink in, allowing you the ability to love me in return. That didn't happen. I still can't believe I held my composure. I can't believe you didn't even look at me. How could you give me life, hold me in your arms, and then just walk away? How could you?

Up until last week I was filled with anger towards you. I couldn't believe you would leave us with that house payment. Jeopardizing our livelihood and causing my children to suffer for your selfish agenda. I couldn't believe how you have run my name through the mud and have destroyed every single relationship I had with our family. I couldn't get over the stunt you pulled on Mother's Day. How you tried to publicly humiliate me that way. How you have robbed me of so many people I love. My brother. All of my aunts and uncles. All of my cousins. All gone. No longer having anything to do with me or my little family. I was angry. Angry at you for hurting my babies. Especially Kye. Sweet Kye who just loves you so purely. How he's cried for you and how I have defended you to him. How I have to lie to my child and tell him "Gramma's just really busy sweetie." I hated you for that. Hated you for causing my child to already know pain that I can't protect him from. Hated you for it all.

Then Austin died. And my anger washed away. I have been surrounded by a family who truly do love each other. Family who aren't seeking out ways to benefit selfishly from their love. Who aren't plotting against each other. Using and manipulating one another in some type of twisted game. They just love. And I watched parents grieving their child. Who they truly love. Who I'm sure disappointed them from time to time but who they supported. And were proud of. And who has left a hole in their hearts that can never be mended.

And I realized anger and hate don't belong in my heart. I forgive you. I have to forgive you. I have to accept you for who you are. I have to accept that I will never have that type of love from you. Like you said, our relationship cannot be mended. And it's true. It can't be. I do not know what the future holds but I have to assume that yesterday was the last time I will probably ever see you again. I have to grieve this loss. I have to make all of this mess my past. And focus on those who do love me. And those who accept the love I have to give.

For a long time I beat myself up over you. I believed your vicious words about me. I bought into it all. Because if my mom thinks so poorly of me, I must be pretty horrible, right? I can't possibly have much to offer if my own mom doesn't love me. But I've realized you are wrong. And everyone who believes what you say is also wrong. I do have a lot of love to give and I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve to receive that love too.

I know you sit there feeling like you've "won." And in some ways, you have. I don't have any support from my own family. No calls for my birthday. No Facebook friends who share my blood. No Christmas cards. Nothing. We also have to make two house payments. Ours and yours. While you get to go off and start a whole new life, we are stuck cleaning up your mess. So, sure, maybe you "won" but ya know what, you have lost Mom. You've lost a lot.

You've lost the opportunity to see my beautiful children. Sure you can blog stalk me or watch all the youtube videos but none of that compares to the beauty they are in real life. Their hugs and kisses and the sound of their innocent laughter. You've lost that. And you've lost me. I had your back. I have my faults but I promise you I had your best interests at heart. I forgave again and again and again. I let things go. I wanted SO badly for us to have one of those mother-daughter-best-friend type relationships. I tried everything I could to make you happy. And you've lost that. You've lost the one person who truly did look out for you.

I know when you read this you will somehow make me the "bad guy" and yourself the victim. You're always the victim. My prayer for you is that someday you can take a step back and take responsibility for your actions. For your life. So many of the things you think happen to you actually happen because of you and by admitting that I truly believe you will be able to heal. To hopefully find the happiness you claim to never be able to grasp. 

One of the things that was said on Mother's Day was about me only having one mother. And it's true, I do. While I am so blessed to have the Parker family, no one will ever fill the void you have left. Charlotte may love me, but she is not my mom. She never will be. I will always miss you. Always hurt for your presence in my life. I pray that someday the people who have turned away from me because of you will come back into my life. I pray that I can keep my heart open to them as I truly believe they do not know the truth and would not be so cruel towards me if they did. I have hope for them and hope for the future. 

Just as I only have one mother, you also only have one daughter. One little girl. One first born. One. And while I may have made many mistakes in my life, I am still your child. You are the parent. Even now that I'm an adult, you're still the parent. You can place all the blame in the world on me for the way things have gone. How our relationship has ended. But at the end of it all...you are the parent

Moving forward my goal is to find peace with this situation. Be able to hurt when I need to hurt but no longer allow that pain to consume me. Life is too short to live in pain. Instead of focusing on the negative things about you and about us, I hope to be able to find the good. To remember baking cocoa-no-bakes together. Setting up the Snow Village at Christmas. Taking hours to open our gifts because we had to have a conversation about each one. Our adventures shopping for my wedding dress. Special moments we shared with Nana. Tickle fights and kisses at bedtime. Helping me decide what to wear each morning before school. For 28 years you were home to me. There is so much good to remember and so many happy memories to cherish.

No matter what has happened in the past or what will happen in the future you are my mom. And I love you. 

Love,
Emily

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