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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Dealing with Infertility

I wrote a post awhile back with my tips for trying to conceive. Obviously, all yall know I've never had any issues with conception and my post was intended just to give tips that I've done to other friends who are in the early stages of trying to conceive. I never, ever intended the post to be educational about fertility issues or to attempt to offer advice for those battling such hardships.

Even though the post isn't super current, today I've gotten multiple comments on the post from people who it has offended. I have responded to each comment in a personal email as I am sure none of them will be reading my blog again to be able to see a public apology. Although I will say here and now that I am SO SO sorry that I hurt so many feelings with my post!!!

In my emails I asked some of the commenters if they would ever be interested in guest posting about their fertility struggles so people like myself (who clearly have no idea what that is like) can gain a better perspective and understanding. 

I'm truly honored that one of them have already responded and has given me the go-head to share this with you today. After reading the comments earlier today I just couldn't imagine sitting here blogging about my kids like I normally do. I felt like it would almost be a slap in the face to these women who want so badly to hold children of their own. After reading this story I am in tears and feel so heartbroken for this women who I do not know and for the many out there who have stories similar to hers.

I want to say also that I'm ALWAYS open to your comments. I try very hard to be true to myself with what I write and be very open and honest with my feelings but I also try very hard not to do it in a judgmental or critical sort of way. I try to be me without offending others and it does crush me when the times happen where I do offend people or hurt them especially when it's totally unintentional on my part. If you ever feel that I've misspoken or have hurt you on a personal level, feel free to email me at deliasgoddess33@aol.com. I have also written a post about that here

Here is the story of an unnamed women who is battling fertility issues. While I do not know her name, I will pray for her and ask you to do the same. I am grateful for the opportunity to be featuring her story today and I appreciate so much having my eyes opened to the kind of struggles so many women face.

*****


I would like to share our personal infertility journey with you all, sorry it's a long read but hopefully it can offer you an understanding of what it's like to be in our shoes -- Our journey began in 2008 and never did I think that after all that time we would end up where we did. Who knew that trying to start a family would be so difficult for us? The road we chose to take has been a long painful one - physically, mentally and emotionally but thankfully we have met some wonderful people along the way (My Reproductive Endocrinologist Dr. Ashim Kumar and the FSAC nurses and staff). 

It wasn't long after my Dad had been diagnosed with terminal lung Cancer that we decided to start trying (June of 2008), I was really hoping it would happen before I lost my Dad because I wanted to see the look on his face when we told him he would be a Grandfather again (my brother already had 2 children), unfortunately we never got that chance (I lost my Dad on August 3rd, 2009)....and then the heartache continued, I cannot even begin to find the words to describe the heartache; I believe it is a pain that only those who have gone through the same experience can truly understand, constant disappointment month after month. 

You can try your best to explain to others what it’s like but they never really get it, they try to offer you words of encouragement and/or tell you stories about a friend of a friend who went through the same thing and comfort you by telling you that as soon as that friend of a friend decided to stop, give up or quit (however you want to put it) and started to relax and to be stress free that BAM, miraculously it happened, well la-di-da and good for them, forgive me for being cynical but I don’t care, I'm not them and they're not me. The words I have heard repeated over and over again, which to tell you the truth I can do without are “don’t worry,” “your time will come,” “just relax,” “don’t stress," "it's okay” -- my friend Patti and I refer to those words as “punch phrases” because every time we hear someone say them to us we want to punch them, yes, believe me I know that sounds awful but if people fully understood just what people in our position were going through then it wouldn’t sound all that bad to them and as a matter of fact it would probably sound perfectly rational. Now I know that everyone says these things having the best intentions in mind but honestly it doesn’t help and it certainly doesn’t make me feel any better and the worst part about it is that everyone who has said these things all have children already. Quite frankly it's almost impossible to relax and not stress when you're getting repeated injections and your abdomen is covered with welts and bruises. 

From March 2010 thru April 2011 (and April – May of 2012) I have gone to 52 doctors appointments, was diagnosed with cervical stenosis and had a laminaria inserted to correct it, had ovarian cysts which required aspiration, have had 82 injections of fertility medications and countless blood draws and ultrasounds. Does that sound relaxing and stress free? It is frustrating to have to rely on drugs to make your body do what it should be doing naturally. To be perfectly honest it's not okay and I'm not fine, I have my good days and I have my bad days and I have cried more times than I can even count while my husband looks on helplessly knowing that there is nothing he can do to "fix" this or to take that emptiness and pain away, I can't even begin to imagine what that has been like for him, he has been so supportive through all of this and has always been there to catch and comfort me. 

During the last 5 years, between Louie and I, we have at least 70 friends/family members that have had or are due to have babies (or their 2nd or 3rd babies)....I know that sounds like an exaggerated number but it isn't. You try your best to be happy for everyone even though you are dying inside and the feelings of being envious, jealous and resentful of everyone every time you find out that someone else is having a baby eats away at you, to say the least, this has been devastating for us. I just want to be a Mother and to be able to make my husband a Father and with every passing day it seems less and less likely that it will happen. 

I wouldn't wish the pain of this emotional roller coaster on my worst enemy, the magnitude of just how difficult this is just cannot be explained. I don't need to be pacified....I just want to be heard; the pain is real, physically, mentally and emotionally. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. It is a dark, lonely and misunderstood place to be. Some days I just feel so alone. Just once I would like for someone to say to me that they have no idea how I feel or what it's like to be in my position, I'm to the point where I can really do without people pretending to know what it's like. Also, I'm tired of being told "just be happy for so and so" every time I find out someone else is pregnant....can't people just figure out that this isn't about someone else, it's about me. After what we’ve gone through I think I have earned the right to be a little selfish. There is a grieving and healing process you have to go through like with any other loss, this for me has been the death of a dream.

SUMMARY -- my husband and I started TTC in mid 2008 and after almost a year with no luck I went to see my OBGYN -- several blood tests were done (on both my husband and I) and I was then referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (with unexplained infertility (am anovulatory) -- was hospitalized with an infection in my uterus a year or so prior to that, not sure if this was/is a factor). After several setbacks -- no rubella antibody (vaccination required), cervical stenosis (corrected with laminaria insertion/removal), ovarian cysts (cyst aspiration required) -- we were finally able to begin treatments (August of 2010). Did 5 IUI cycles (was completely unresponsive to Clomid (pill form), immediate push to Repronex (injections) with HCG trigger shot) -- each cycle meds had to be increased as my body was not responding to "standard" doses, all cycles failed. Made the decision to move forward with IVF (March of 2011) -- 23 eggs retrieved, 21 fertilized (though ICSI), 13 viable embryos. First embryo transfer was done on 03/26/11 (2 embryos transferred) --- blood draw done on 04/05/11, unfortunately it was a BFN -- Gave ourselves some time to heal, grieve and to let my body recuperate from the 5 IUI cycles and the IVF cycle --- did our second embryo transfer on 05/05/12 (3 embryos transferred) , did blood draw on 05/15/12 which was a BFP but my Beta count was low so did second blood draw on 05/18/12 which came back as a BFN--8 embryos (referred to as “frosties”) still available for transfer.


7 comments:

  1. You know somewhat of my fertility struggles and your post didn't offend me in the least. I think when women (me included) try so hard to conceive and you see couple after couple be able to get pregnant so easily, we get very bitter and angry and just want to vent. I know I was like that and the older I got, I realized it wasn't healthy to feel that way. Sure, it's human nature to feel that way but we can't let it consume our lives. I've always ALWAYS said I think God chose me to go down the path I did because I have a love for my girls that I think is intensified because of my struggles. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing because it has made me the person (and Mom) I am!!!

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  2. My heart aches for what you are going through. Its not uncommon and you are not alone. Sharing your story and your experiences will help so many women!

    I've heard "your time will come" "don't stress" said to friends and I cringe when people say things like that.

    I don't know if you will find any refuge in this but the blogger from "A Blog About Love" is going through this right now.
    Wishing you all the best.

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  3. For me, it wasn't so much of an offense as feeling "oh great, here is another blog perpetuating ignorance of the fact that getting pregnant isn't easy". I won't lie, there are times I struggle with bitterness and anger - when that happens, I have to stop and step back. It's just hard to be faced with ignorance of the fact that all that token sayings and tips in the world won't help some women get pregnant. I greatly appreciate Emily allowing someone with fertility issues to share her story and being so humble as to apologize for the previous post that was unintentionally hurtful to some of us.

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  4. Emily, your apology was sincere and is appreciated. And thank you for letting my dear friend have her voice heard. Thank you for engaging rather than responding to our upset with outbursts of your own. You have been very gracious :)

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  5. Thank you Emily for sharing this story and thank you to the anonymous lady who had the gracious heart to share this very personal struggle on your blog. I am going through my own infertility battle and it helps so much to be able to relate to others who are going through the same process as often this can be a very isolating journey.

    Thank you!

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  6. Thank you so much for this post, because I have been through this and it is awesome to have that support. I constantly pray for the women who contiune to battle infertility as I have been there through that battle and know the heartbreak and tears. Thank you to the lady that shared her story.

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  7. I want to share this TESTIMONY on how i became happy in Life today, We got married since the year 2000,and we were unable to make out baby on our own,we prayed and fasted several times but, all to no avail,one time i was searching through the internet the year 2009, and fortunately i came accross a Testimony of Woman from Cairo, Egypt. the Testimonies stated HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK IN 5DAYS. I read through it thoroughly,and i picked out the Email contact and mobile Number of the Spellcaster called voodo spellcasre in West African, who helped her in getting the said Husband Back in 5days...i emailed the Address, and they replied to me in just 30 minutes. i explained my problems of INFERTILITY in our Home, They just asked for the details of my Husband and I, which i sent to them immediately, in just 2hrs, i received an Email stated, we will help you if you comply by the wish of the the gods. and they explained to me what is needed to be done, which i did immediately..they promised to get back to in just 6days, afters 5days, they emailed and they gave to me instructions i need to work with, as soon as i complete it, i emailed them to say i was done with the instructions.
    Just afters 2months i noticed, i was on with pregnancy, i told my Man as soon he arrived home, and he was sceptical of it all, He order me to visit the Doctor to see what was wrong, which i did, and in the result was Positive, i gave birth to my baby the year 2010. im very happy to share this Testimonies, to those who has been going through hell, in making out Babies...the email of the Voodoo Home, that did it for me is right here below: voodoospellcast@yahoo.com, they are from West African..
    FROM LELIA SANDHU,

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Reading your comments makes my day!



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