Sunday, August 28, 2011

Vivid Nightmares

One of my earliest memories as a child is a nightmare. I'm inside a huge toy store, over-filled with stuffed animals (yes, I was "that girl" who slept with a 1,000 stuffed animals surrounding me at night). My parents and brother left the store and they got locked out when the store closed so I was trapped inside of it. I roamed the aisles and a HUGE stuffed gorilla was hanging from the ceiling above me. I can still see the orange carpet on the store floor and the gorillas eyes as they popped open. He jumped down and began to chase me around the store. It was horrifying for me and it's a reoccurring nightmare I'd have for years.

I have always had vivid dreams. If they are good then it can make my whole next day happy as I can easily recall the happiness I felt during the dream. However,when they are bad they tend to stick with me even worse. I have regular vivid nightmares. Some are ones that I have over and over and others I'll only have once. Many times it's a complicated storyline with many twists and turns, but they are all very realistic. I've never dreamed of monsters. Or of clowns. Or of scary horror-movie type things. All of my nightmares have been things that scare me either because they could really happen or are realistic enough where I'm in the dream and am in a frightening situation. From boyfriends dumping me, to loved ones wanting to kill me, to people breaking in my home, to rapists chasing me down. I do believe having such vivid nightmares probably plays a role in my frequent headaches as well as my issues with clinching my jaw in my sleep. How could they not have some kind of affect on me?!?!
This past week Kye has woken up twice from nightmares. I know they are nightmares because he wakes up SCREAMING "no no no no no!" and is shaking when I go to him. I feel horrible that he's experiencing this because I know how it feels. His first one was about Gramma and juice (random?) and the second one was something about his bed. I go to him right away when he cries out and ask him what happened because I know it helps me to say it out loud so I won't fall back asleep and continue with the same dream. I just hold him and comfort him and we pray about it and then I end with talking to him about something sweet so he'll hopefully think good thoughts and dream them too. For myself, my nightly prayers have always ended with "please keep me safe and let me have sweet dreams." It's been my prayer for as long as I can remember and I've started to pray this with Kye too as I know how comforting it is for me to know that God is watching over me!

Throughout my whole pregnancy with Kye I never had any nightmares about him. I rarely dream about those closest to me. I can't remember off the top of my head having any nightmares ever about Kye or even about Zach. Usually if Zach is in my dream he is a side character or someone who helps me in the situation. Last night I dreamed (I thought the term was dreamt? But it says it's not a word?) about Blitzen. It was quite possibly the worst dream I've ever had.

Zach is entering in his travel season with work where he has to be gone decently often. I'm also approaching the end of my pregnancy and will have to go to the dr every 2 weeks here soon. I know that it's going to be impossible for Zach to be at every appointment. In my dream I went to the appointment alone. Thankfully, I got to see Stacy (but in real life she'll be gone!!!!) and I was sitting on the exam table talking to her. I was telling her about Blitzen and how crazy strong the child is and how intense the movement is and she looked worried then told me we had to do an ultrasound right then. And that the ultrasound they needed to do would reveal the sex so I just needed to accept that I was going to know what we were having.

I can see the whole thing perfectly. She turned on the machine and the first thing I saw was his privates. I knew I was having another son and I was all alone when finding out something so special. Then she told me that he wasn't okay. That all the movement I feel is because something is wrong with him (something with his neck?) and he's in lots and lots of pain. I could see him so clearly - his little chubby face and rolls and everything. I sat there bawling, overwhelmed with all the information I had to digest and knowing that I was the only person to know it. No one was there to comfort me and I would have to be the one to tell Zach the horrible news. 

When I woke up I started crying. I've never woken up and cried from a dream but just thinking about it has made me cry this entire day. Usually when I have a bad dream I can wake up and see that everything's okay. I can hold Zach. I can look around and see that no one is hurt. But I can't see Blitzen. I can't know, for sure, that he's okay. Not that I am sitting around thinking my dream means something is wrong with the baby...but it just has me very shaken up.

Usually I can trace back whatever dreams I have to what caused them...I'm sure a lot of it has to do with knowing Zach will miss out on appointments, knowing that I'm "losing" Stacy, being eager to get to see Blitzen, so many people going on and on about it being a girl (which annoys the crap out of me - there's an equal chance that it's a BOY people!!!), and having so many people around me facing difficulties in their pregnancies or with their babies (TWO girls this week went into labor that are the SAME week into their pregnancy that I am!!!). Whatever the cause though, the dream really freaked me out. Enough to where I had to go to the bathroom so I could cry and cry, and not have Kye see me, and to where I'm stuck in a funk all day. I just wanted to squeeze and hug Kye all morning, so thankful that I have him and feeling more appreciative of how healthy and happy he is!

I hope that I won't have another dream like this again and it makes me very eager for the 4D ultrasound a month from now so I can SEE my baby again!!! We have our appointment with Stacy this Thursday and I'm hoping that hearing the heartbeat will help me too. I also hope that Kye won't have to face as many horrible nightmares as I have over the years and that I can help him work through them as they come. Tonight I will be praying extra hard for all of us to have sweet dreams.

4 comments:

Amanda Phillips said...

Oh gosh Emily, bless your heart.  I, too, have very vivid dreams/nightmares.  I've had several that have came true, it's really freaky.  I dreamed back years ago, I was maybe 12 or so, that this relative that I only knew the name, had died and the next morning, my Mom woke me and said she was going with my Grandma to so and so's house because the same person in my dream died during the night.  Then, I had a dream before I woke up this past Friday that Keith came back home from work because his eye was hurting so bad he couldn't work and in my dream, I asked him who did he tell he was taking the day off.  Well, when I woke up to get ready for work, Keith came home because his eye was hurting bad enough he had to come home.  It was weird.  I asked him if that was the first time he came in the house and he said yes so I told him about my dream.  It's crazy weird.  

Rachael said...

I so hate this for you... I rarely dream at all. I wish I could because I wish I could dream of Tripp. I'm about to post a blog about fears here soon I am starting to panic something will be wrong with this baby... It's just awful

Nali said...

I had a few close calls in the water as a kid and since then I've had nightmares about drowning, so I definitely can relate :( I just have to keep telling myself it's just a dream, and maybe one day I will learn how to swim so I can kick my water fears in the butt. 

Sending you positive thoughts for the rest of your pregnancy! xoxo, Nalihttp://nalimon.blogspot.comP.S. Thanks for stopping by on comment love day :)

Ashley Troutman said...

Whoa!  That IS crazy weird!

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