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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Response

I think anyone who reads my blog knows how much blogging means to me. I feel lame saying that but it's true. I love it. Last night when I was filled with anxious nerves and just couldn't stop my mind from going I sat down in front of the computer to get out my feelings. Much as I am now. When I write, I feel release. I feel less stressed and a calm that nothing else can bring me. When life is filled with stress or worry, over little things or big things, I love knowing that I have this outlet and writing is my joy. It's something 100% for ME that I do simply because I love it. Not because I have to or because it's on a "to do" list, it's because I want to. And how many things in life do we truly do out of pure enjoyment? Not many! Sure, I love getting comments from people. I LOVE that I've made so many true friends from this online world, but my intentions in writing are purely for my own joy, not for attention that the writing may bring.

My need for writing is what lead me to blog last night. It was not only for the prayer request but almost more so for my own comfort and to allow me to stop my brain so I could sleep. I felt very uncomfortable writing that entry and asking for prayers. Asking for help or prayer is hard for me. It's something I'm having to learn to do and when I said, in that entry, that I'm learning a life lesson through this I meant it. I feel like every journey in life presents us with an opportunity to learn and grow and the struggles I'm dealing with right now are teaching me that sometimes we need to ask for help from others and that it's okay to not always be strong and self-reliant.

While waiting on Zach's surgery this morning I ran out to get myself breakfast then thought I'd check through my emails on my phone. I get an email notification whenever anyone comments on the blog so that's when I saw "the comment." To those friends who had already read the comment, thank you for not contacting me regarding it. I know when I mentioned it to you, you already knew but didn't want to add any worry or concern to my morning and I appreciate that.

I have been writing this blog for a couple of years now and I completely understand, and welcome, comments from everyone! I totally understand that most people probably have different views and opinions from mine. I know every time I even mention the word "spanking" in a post I get a comment from some anti-spanking group (which I'll probably get on this post since I mentioned it!). And that's cool, I get it. I'm sure many of you don't agree with the things I do as a parent. Maybe you think I travel too much without him. Maybe you think breastfeeding is gross. Maybe you think Babywise is too hardcore. Maybe you think baptism isn't essential to get to Heaven. Maybe you think my house choices sucked. I love honesty. I myself take pride in my own honesty. I like that people tell me they can trust me and know that I say what I mean and I like that character trait in others. I have a fellow blogger, and high school buddy, who doesn't believe in God. And guess what? I still love her and enjoy reading her blog on her thoughts and beliefs just as she enjoys reading mine. We have always had nothing but respect for each other and will give our views without putting down the other persons beliefs.

I understand a lot of what "the comment" (I would use a name but sadly you posted in a way that we can't even know who you are - how convenient!) was saying and in several ways I agree. I remember it bugging me that people would say "I'll pray for you" when I figured they wouldn't really follow through. I know I have judged people's hearts when they have asked for prayers as well. I felt like they were simply seeking attention or create something that needs prayer just to say something out loud. I know a kid at church would go down front often on Sunday mornings asking for prayer for "silly little things" like upcoming tests in school and such and I would roll my eyes and think "oh great, that kid must have another test coming up." I think that feelings like those are normal. And judging others is normal and natural for us to do. As I've matured in my Christian walk I have learned that people who seek prayer for only attention or ask for prayer for "trivial" things are not the ones sinning - the people who sit and judge them for it are the sinners. While we think some people's prayers are trivial, they aren't to God. If Kye gets a boo-boo I want to kiss it and God is our parent and He wants to know all those little moments in life. I have found if I live in a more consistent on-going dialog with God that I feel closer to Him. Don't you?

I have written before that I feel so, so much guilt over feeling overwhelmed and stressed when I am beyond blessed. I feel guilty asking for prayers for something that others may consider minor. I do know that around the world people have it much worse - many of my close friends and family have it much worse! But I debated it and decided that if I write blog entries requesting prayers for others when they have needed it (like Zach's sister who was in the hospital for 18 days, or a girl from high school who got cancer, or a good friend whose baby passed away, or my uncle who got diagnosed with ALS) then shouldn't I also request prayers for my husband? He is supposed to come first in my life after God so shouldn't he be worthy of prayer?

Back surgery is not in anyway equivalent to stubbing a toe. I agree that lines should be drawn but such lines are personal just as is faith. Personally I don't feel like I need to ask for prayer constantly but I think that's more of a fault of mine than a strength. We are ALL guilty of being "me centered" when we should be "God centered." If we think we can handle all our problems on our own, we are mistaken. Jesus is sitting in our living rooms waiting for us to lean on Him. He wants to be more involved in our lives but the choice is ours. Gathering with other Christians only helps us also draw closer to God.

While the surgery was a success (a shrimp sized piece of bone was removed from his back!) and Zach should fully recover, it will be a long road to that recovery. We have an almost 2 year old son who worships his daddy and who also weighs 27 lbs. Zach cannot lift him for a good long time to make sure he's healed. Zach is not supposed to drive for at least a week or more and he must drive to be able to work. He cannot lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. He cannot bend over at all. He must wear a back brace at all times other than when he's laying down. Sure, he doesn't have cancer. Nope, this won't kill him. But it'll make life uncomfortable for him and tough on his son who can't understand and rough on his wife. It's a legit deal.

I agree that often times people say they will pray and that's it when maybe they should do more. I agree that we sit back all too often and don't take the proper action that we should to be servants to others in times of need. I'm terrible at this and it's something I personally want to work on. ALL the prayers have meant the world to me during this time but of course those who have offered to help move or offered to make a meal or have sent a card to say they are thinking of us have meant more. Of course those things are more helpful in the physical realm but the spiritual prayers are just as helpful as they WORK!!!

Personally, I feel like for the first time in my Christian walk I can SEE the devil at work against me. Maybe it's because I'm growing more mature in my Christianity or maybe he really is working harder on me but I can see it. I can see how the world is his and how everything in this world has a slanted agenda to his plan and not to the Lords. I am not in anyway saying that the person who commented on the blog is the devil or is working for the devil but I'm saying that reading that, my first thought was "there he goes again, trying to knock me down." He's attacked me at my safe place, my comfortable place, my little joy. Yes, what was said was hurtful. I may be able to understand a lot of the meaning behind what was said and that the motives behind it may have been to help me see some deeper meaning or something, but I don't think it was the appropriate time or place to make such a comment. Obviously this person knows me personally because they must be a friend on facebook to be able to see that I even referenced the devil. Therefore this person also knows that I am having a tough time right now (be it an unworthy of prayer tough time or not) and the hurtful thing isn't necessarily what was said but that someone that knows me personally chose now to say it.

Thank you to all of you who have commented out of love in my defense. But mostly thank you for opening God's Word to show the commenter what God says about prayer and its value to Him. I may write this blog primarily for myself but I love when it reaches out to others and when little, trivial things in my life help other people in someway. Even if the commenter doesn't change his or her views or even if they hate me more because of all of this, at least it got us all to think a little more about God. Maybe to say an extra prayer for a stranger to us (or at least a nameless person we most likely know). Maybe to open our Bible. Maybe just to "feel better" because we know that we have God and we have each other. Thank you for being part of my ("social") network of friends and for being there to support me through the big moments in life and the small ones too and for loving me good or bad, agree or disagree, no matter what :)

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