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Thursday, March 11, 2010

Finding the Words...

Obviously I haven't posted much this week. Since the wedding I've been battling with what to write. I consider this blog my own personal journal and I have always been proud of myself for keeping it true to ME. It's an honest reflection of my life and thoughts. Sometimes things do happen that are hurtful or that I don't necessarily like but I either just don't blog about it or I find a way to focus on the "good" in the situation.

This past weekend was filled with a lot of hurt for me. So much so that it's left me raw and broken and unable to even see past it and focus on the good that was there. I'm faced with a dilemma: blog about it truthfully and hurt others or lie about it and hurt myself. I've debated about what to do and about how to approach the situation. I refuse to remember lies. I also refuse to hurt others even if they do not mind hurting me.

When I was a freshman in high school I had a best guy friend named Anders. Looking back he may have been my first love but I surely didn't know it at the time. We were very close and I was shocked when out of the blue he started to hate me. He told me that he was going to make my life so miserable that I would kill myself. It was a horrible situation and it caused me to seek counseling in order to get over it. I just blamed myself and couldn't understand what I had done that could have caused him to have such hatred for me. Zach is the kind of person who is able to shrug when he hears people don't like him and just toss it up to jealousy. I find it hard to think that anyone could be jealous of me. I'm just not that confident and I envy Zach for being able to think that way. It must be so much easier than always laying in bed and rehashing events in order to attempt to figure out where I went wrong to cause someone to want to be so mean to me.

I did a lot of that rehashing this weekend. I have continued to do it this week. Beating myself up over things that people like Zach would shrug off. Wondering how long I can keep being a human doormat. I was treated like crap but yet I continued to "do the right thing." Oh that stupid, stupid Emily. People hurt her but yet she never gives up hope. She just keeps on trying all she can to make them love her. Such a stupid little girl. Zach has always told me that I need to quit letting people affect me so much. That if he were in my shoes and involved in so many hurtful one-sided relationships that he'd just cut people out of his life. That just isn't who I am. It bothers me so much that some people who should love me the most don't. That some of the ones that you just expect to love you and want to be around you don't. I know I let it hit me too deep. I take it too personally. I realize all those things! When I went to counseling back in high school the counselor would laugh at me and tell me that I know all my issues and I know what I "should" do to fix them but yet I don't. I know most people would not have continued to be the best bridesmaid, sister, daughter, friend, they could this weekend. Most people would have said "screw this!" and left. Not me. I just stayed and kept doing my duties. Kept doing things that will never be noticed. Never appreciated.

I once read that the greatest need of every person is to feel appreciated. This is so true. I do what I do because I feel like I am doing the right thing, but wouldn't being appreciated be wonderful? Wouldn't it be nice if I'd heard an "I appreciate you Emily, I love you Emily, I am proud of you Emily" this weekend? And you know what? I did. I heard those things from people who I never expected to hear them from. I just didn't hear it from those that I needed to hear it from the most. Why is it that the negative always overshadows the positive? The clouds always block the sun?

I, in no way, think I am perfect. In all my rehashing I did see areas that I could have been better...nicer...more loving. I am not saying that I am an innocent victim in all situations. I'm not. No one ever is. But I do feel like I went above and beyond to do what was right, what was expected, what was needed of me.

I have written this blog entry about 1,000 times in my head this week. I have debated on what to say and have thought about it constantly. Writing is my outlet. I'm the kind of girl that needs to vent and get it all out of my system in order to feel better. In my thinking I keep coming back to this idea of love and how so often I feel like I love so much that I allow those I love to hurt me so deeply. I was thinking about all the one-sided relationships in my life and how I'm just sick of it. Sick of loving "in spite of" and sick of not being loved as much as I think I deserve. I was so ready to just give up and to write it all here. Be totally open and get it off my chest. Not worry about hurting people or embarrassing them. Not caring about their feelings. They deserve it dangit! I'm hurting and they don't even care so they should hurt too! I should just write them off and be DONE once and for all. Live my life with my little family and my close friends and not care about those who don't care for me. Only love when I get love in return. Refuse to do what is right until I get the apologies I deserve.

Then suddenly I was hit with a thought that made me feel so much guilt. I may have several one-sided relationships, I may often give more love than I receive, and I may never get half of the apologies I deserve but do you know who has all these same situations but MUCH worse? God!!! He loves us all so much and we never love Him back as much as He deserves. So often we don't apologize at ALL for the sin in our lives and those sins CRUSH Him. The little hurt I feel is nothing compared to what He feels ALL the time. So many people don't love God at all, but He sits there waiting and loving them all the same. Talk about getting "walked on!" Isn't God the ultimate example of a "doormat"? We do whatever we please, live selfish lives then just expect God to pick up the pieces. Expect Him to save us when we fall. Expect Him to just keep doing the "right thing". If God can do all of that for me, then I think I can continue to do it for those in my life who don't deserve it. As a Christian I AM God to those who do not know Him. I am supposed to let my light shine and I am proud of myself for doing that this weekend. When I felt like the world was falling down, I didn't give up doing the right thing.

No, I'm not "over" it yet. I don't feel at peace. I still feel so much hurt and such a heavy weight on my heart. I do not know when it will heal. I do not know how I will face those that have hurt me. I do not know if some of the situations will mend. Or if they will just get ignored like so many other hurts we face in life. I do not know what the future holds. I'm still not sure how I will focus on the positive and find the "good" when I post my other entries. I just know that I'll find a way to do it. Find a way to do the right thing even if it's not what I want to do, it's what I will do!

I do know too that I'm the lucky one. I know I have done what is right. I know that I did all I could to show my love for everyone. I know that I have God when so many others don't allow themselves to know Him. I have His example to follow. And when I feel like a doormat, when I feel like I'm being a "stupid girl" I can remember that on judgment day God will look at me and say that I pleased Him. And isn't that the appreciation I really desire more than any other?

3 comments:

  1. I love love love this post because you remind me of how I should be. I am so much like Zach- that if people hurt me or if it is a one sided relationship- they are completely cut out of my life and I don't think twice about it. I think that keeps me from getting hurt. It also keeps me from forgiving them- which is what God calls us to do. We have had private conversations about this- so I know how badly you are hurting and my heart breaks for you. It was nice to see you acknowledge that you weren't right in EVERY situation- nobody is perfect- but it is SO HARD to be the bigger person and I am so proud of you. Things will unfortunately get worse before they get better- BUT remember that you have to do what's best for you, Zach and Kye. That may mean ending those painful relationships. Praying for you!!!

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  2. I feel your pain with the one-sided relationships... and its really hard to sever the ties because you're the one who feels guilty for not making more of an effort, and for trying to separate from the situation. I been there... and am there...

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Reading your comments makes my day!



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