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Tuesday, February 2, 2010

To: My Self Esteem

I love meeting new people through the blog and I've recently started following Stephanie's blog. She has been doing a series of poems that she calls "to poetry" where you write the poem directly to the thing you want to deal with. I think this is a great idea and seems like it'll be very cleansing! My biggest issue to confront right now? My self-esteem (well actually the lack of it) so here goes my first attempt at "to poetry" and thanks Stephanie for the inspiration!

To My Self Esteem

Where did you go?
My whole life you kept me strong
I never thought I was perfect 10 
But you helped me feel good enough to call myself a solid 7
You even made me feel beautiful at times
You allowed me to love having my picture taken
And to have a thousand "facebook profile pictures" to choose from
You gave me confidence in intimate settings making me feel sexy and desired
And made me feel like I looked my best when I was naked
When in public you brought a smile to my face when people would look at me
You made me think whistling construction workers were complimenting me
You allowed me to wear a bikini even when I was never a size 0
And unashamed of my "average" size chest
You even proud of my body: my thick thighs, barely there butt, and thick tummy
What happened?
Now you are gone
Now I am thankful for a stupid "facebook celebrity look alike week" 
So I don't have to see myself on my profile
Now I don't smile when I look in the mirror
Now I don't feel sexy when intimate with my husband
Now I look down at my chest and feel embarrassed
Any sexiness I felt is gone
And I find it difficult to believe I ever possessed it
Now I am unsatisfied with every picture I see of myself
I pick out my faults instead of my assests
I look at photos of me as a mom in a bikini and feel embarrassed
What was I thinking?
How do I get you back?
I miss you so dearly and I want to be happy with who I am again
I want to feel pretty
Sexy
Desired
Even just average would do
Will this just go away?
Someday will I wake up and have you back?
Until then I will keep trying
Keep fixing my hair
Plucking my eyebrows
Getting dressed in cute outfits
And smiling in pictures
I will not shy away from the camera or from others
I will keep on pretending that everything is fine
And that you are still with me
And hopefully someday you will be

3 comments:

  1. I love it!!! Don't ya feel a little better? :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow!
    What a lie from satan that you are not just as beautiful and desirable as you were before having Kye!
    Yes, our bodies look different. No, i dont have a great appreciation for mine, yet. But i think something to remind ourselves of (daily) is that the 3 who matter most think we are perfect
    1st- our Creator who loves us and knew what bearing a child would do to our bodies and thought we might be strong enough to handle that kind of blessing, anyways :-)
    2nd- our husbands who find us even MORE desireable and MORE sexy now that we have grown their children inside of us and had the strength to get them on the outside...lol. And who love us for what great moms we are to their kids :-)
    and lastly
    Our KID who didnt know our body pre-baby and probably wont ever see it look quite that way ever again, but who think we rock this world!

    Man, its good to be loved by others when we dont love ourselves!

    And you ARE beautiful. Your smile brightens up a room, your eyes are sparkly, you have great skin and thick hair! SOOO... i'll be praying that God allows you to see what all of us see :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know this is a very old post, but I wanted to comment anyway.  From your poem, it sounds like you base your self-esteem entirely on your appearance.  There is so much more to you than that...have self-confidence in your character, your personality,  your intelligence, etc.  Beauty is only a small part of it, not the only reason you are valuable :)

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Reading your comments makes my day!



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