Just got done watching the latest Grey's Anatomy episode (I know I'm behind but Katie and I watch them together and tonight's the first chance we got) and it really bothered me. The whole episode was revolved around grief and the grieving process and as a person who is going through those motions it really hit home. The show had a counter of the days and it shocked me that the episode spanned 36 days. 36 days of grief. It's been a little over that since Nana died and I find myself feeling foolish when I get hit with a wave of sadness. I tell myself that it's been long enough and that I need to push forward. It's such a hard thing. You constantly are left feeling guilty. You either feel guilty for not being sad enough. For not stopping your life because they are gone. For not constantly thinking about them. For forgetting. OR you feel guilty for stopping your life to be sad about someone who is gone. For not enjoying every moment that life has to offer because it's so so so short. For wasting precious time worrying about things you have no control over.
For me I am sad and I do miss Nana but more than thinking about her I've been consumed by thinking about death in general. Zach says I may be questioning my faith which I guess is normal and justified. I just don't understand why God bothered to make us if we are all going to die anyway? What's the point? I look at Kye and I think that someday he'll be a man and he'll have babies and I will be dead. And then he will die. I worry that Zach will die. I worry I will die. I think about how hard it has been to lose Nana and then I think about all the people I will lose throughout my life. How difficult it will be. I think about how Nana went out how everyone hopes to: old, peacefully, in her home and how so many people aren't as lucky as she was. People get in car wrecks. People get shot. Babies die at birth. I think about how hard it is to have someone gone who went the "perfect" way and I just can't fathom dealing with it if someday it doesn't happen that way.
I constantly think about these things and I get overwhelmed with feelings of fear, of un-ending questions that no one but God can answer, of hopelessness. Then I also get overwhelmed by gratitude. I am so so so blessed. We only get ONE life and look how amazing mine has been. I'm healthy, born into a loving family, married to an awesome husband, blessed with a perfect child. Why did I get so lucky? I shouldn't spend any time being sad or scared I should live every single second of my life grateful for what I have been given. But then it's like I wonder when something will go wrong. I've been TOO blessed. I've been TOO lucky. Everything in my life has been TOO wonderful. Surely life can't be this wonderful for one person. Surely something awful is waiting to happen.
Zach and I watch The Biggest Loser together and there is a lady on there this season who had her husband, daughter, and not even 3 week old son die in a car accident. All three. Her whole family gone. Can you imagine? I see her and I am in awe that she has so much strength. That she gets out of bed each day. I know I could never be half that strong. I tried so hard to be so strong when Nana passed away. I knew my mom needed me and I wanted to be there for her. I screwed up when Papa died and I wasn't there for her like I should have been. This time around I did it right. I was there when she needed me and I think I did a great job holding it together. But when does it all end? When do I stop thinking about all these issues? Does it ever go away?
I truly believe in God and in Heaven and even when I'm questioning these things I know in the back of my mind the answers but it's like I can't stop myself from asking the questions. I hate that I feel like I'm not in control at all in this situation. It makes me feel stupid. Watching that episode tonight made me realize that I'm not so stupid after all. If someone thought to make an entire tv show around grief and how people deal with it differently then it must be okay that I'm still having a hard time. Normal even. The part of the episode that bothered me the most was the very ending how she said that out of nowhere the grief will hit you all over again. It really sucks!
But also like the episode said we don't have a choice. We have to keep living. We may not know how to do it but we have to do it anyway. I have to smile and sing and be silly even when I don't feel like it because I have a little baby who needs entertaining. I'm so thankful for him and I know that things always happen for a reason. Nana thought she may not make it to my wedding. That was over 2 years ago. She made it for my baby to be born, she made it until then and that has been such a huge thing for myself and for Mom too. Having Kye reminds us that we DO have to LIVE. That life is hard and there is sadness but there is SO much joy too. That yeah it's so very scary but we have to keep moving forward or we'll miss out on the amazing little moments in Kye's life. The cute little things he does and learns to do that make each day a blessing and an adventure.
I'm trying to continue to focus on the good in life while I know that some days I'll have days where all I can see is the bad. Thanks to Grey's I feel a little more normal and a little more like it's all okay and hopefully, with time, the bad days will be less and less and the good days will be more and more. Hopefully I'll be able to think of Nana and even talk about her without getting sad or feeling that knot in my throat. I just have to keep having faith and keep thanking God for my blessings and keep remembering that Heaven is real and it's where I want to be too someday!