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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Numb

I would say that this face accurately portrays my current emotional state:

Am I crying? No. I'm not crying at all. In fact I haven't shed a tear except for that little hour span of time back on Friday I think. I am just very, very numb. I feel like I'm going through the motions but not really alive at all. I'm not mad the baby isn't here. I don't care one way or the other right now. It's hard to even make it feel like a reality that I will be having a child at some point. It's hard for me to even crack a smile or be nice to Zach (who totally doesn't deserve this). I feel EXTREMELY anti-social. I don't want to talk to anyone. See anyone. Even respond to anyone on Facebook. I have become a hermit. I don't even feel like leaving the house. Today I woke at 7:30 went to the couch and didn't leave there all day except to pee and eat. Literally. Finally I showered and I still don't feel any better.

I think part of the anti-social feeling is that I'm tired of all the comments and questions from people. The one thing I will NEVER say to a pregnant woman: "You look like you're about to pop don't you?" Um. Rude! I guess they are trying (key word trying) to be nice but how is that nice? Oh, I look like a huge blimp thanks. Another annoying thing is when people say "You still haven't had that baby yet?" It's like when people ask "did you get a new haircut?" Duh. Would I be standing in front of you if I'd had my baby? And for us, people constantly ask if we decided to find out the sex. Yeah right. I waited this long didn't I? Isn't the nursery already done in a neutral theme? It'd be SO nice if people would talk to ME. I feel like Zach probably felt during his football career. All people could EVER talk to him about was football. All people can EVER talk to me about is my pregnancy. It's like I am still a human (somewhere in there anyway) and there is more to me (I hope) than this baby.

On top of feeling totally out of touch with the living, I am not feeling so great physically either. My inner upper theigh (like right next to the womanhood) has been hurting for quite awhile. I thought maybe I pulled something since I've been so active since the Jacksonville trip...but I'm worried it could be something else. It hurts really badly when I stand from either laying or sitting so I googled my symptoms and found some message boards of people with the same symptoms. Someone wrote that it's called Symphysis pubis dysfunction and that it affects one out of every four pregnant women. I'm going to ask about it tomorrow at the dr.

I'm also going to have them do a fluid check as I don't know if this much leakage is normal. I've quit wearing my own underwear and have started wearing Zach's boxer briefs (as they provide better "coverage" and therefore "absorption"). I wear either double panty liners or the thick pads I bought for after I have the baby. It's THAT bad. And it's clear, water-like, cold, and pretty constant. Everything I read says to smell it...since I can't smell I'm going to beg Zach to smell it in a little bit. I'm sure everything is fine but again this is not me...I haven't worried ONCE during this pregnancy. Here I am worried that I'm not okay. I'm telling you I am seriously screwed up right now!

I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel and it will come when this baby does I'm sure. But I really can't believe I feel THIS depressed and THIS out of it. And it's hard to even think that it's going to change anytime soon. I just feel so unattached to the world and reality. I just hope this means that I won't have the baby blues once the baby gets here...maybe I'm getting it over with now?

I've halted any tricks. Ashley and I walked for an hour last night and I did sit on the birthing ball for a couple hours yesterday rocking but once the numbness hit I decided I'm done. Who cares when the baby comes? Why bother!

4 comments:

  1. You are almost there! Enjoy the alone time you have right now, it will be gone very soon. Don't let anything anybody says offend you, you look BEAUTIFUL pregnant. Do what you want to do. If you don't want to do something, don't. I promise being pregnant is worth every second!

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  2. :/ unfortunately, I do still remember how you are feeling. Nothing anybody says will make you feel any better, so I will keep it short. The people who love you are thinking about you and praying for the safe delivery of Clover and your speedy recovery. It's worth it. That's all I can say, but you won't believe me until you are actually holding Clover :) I'm sorry sweetie....

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  3. Totally feel you. I had to skip church the last week due to the amount of people asking stupid questions like, "What are you still doing here", "where's the baby". I felt bad for Seth though, because since he plays the piano he had to keep going to church and facing all the ridiculous questions. And Seth is not the MOST diplomatic person in the world, so I am sure he was pretty rude. Honestly there is nothing anyone can say, I know that you want to do this as natural as possible and labor at home, so being induced is pretty out of the question. also, it increases your chances of c-sections soooo much and trust me you DONT want to go there!! Especially if you want to have 3 more children. See you soon, hopefully!

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  4. We all know I have never been pregnant and therefore can not totally understand what you are experiencing right now, but I think that people are only asking these silly questions because they are trying to sympathize with you or start a conversation. We, as humans, are the only creatures to show/have empathy and we express that emotion through various ways. People are just trying to connect with you and feel like they are a part of something. Just relax and enjoy the quite time you are having ( ie not trying to finish a list of things to do or last minuet details) and breath. Clover will come when the timing is right for the both of you :)

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Reading your comments makes my day!



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